James and Marcy had been having the same fight for twenty years. They came to see me for couples counselling because they could not find their way out of the whirlpool of chronic conflict. They loved each other, deeply, but when they fought, it was like a switch clicked and they became bitter rivals.
As I watched them during their first hour with me, I noticed that they were both strong personalities with firm opinions. As I listened to them bicker back and forth it was difficult from an outside perspective to say who was “right” and who was “wrong”, because they both made convincing arguments. They were both blackbelts in rhetoric and logic.
One of the grave mistakes couples make during fights is resorting to relational litigation. They fight like a couple of nasty lawyers trying to prove who is “telling the truth”. They mistakenly believe the conflict will end when they find out who is right and who is wrong. This draws both parties into what relational expert Terry Real calls, “objectivity battles”. Whose memory of the details is better? Whose logic is more sensible, who is being more reasonable? Away they go, battering at each other’s narrative, quibbling over every fact and perspective. And it can go on for years.
When we seek to determine who is objectively right during a conflict, we are using the scientific method to solve emotional and relational problems. It sounds good on paper but it almost never works. As Terry Real says, “you can be right or you can be married.” Being right is a poison pill for relationships. At its extreme, this search for absolute truth becomes a shaming tool masquerading as self-righteous indignation: “I’m right and you’re an awful person or a liar.” This is how our search for truth inches toward character assassination.
Terry Real says, from a relationship-savvy point of view, the only sensible answer to the question “who’s right and who’s wrong?” is “who cares?!” Even if we are in fact right, litigating your case to your partner simply won’t help solve the relational problem. The contempt that can build as we shake our heads at our “unreasonable” partner builds over time until we really start to hate them, or despise their inability to think straight. Looking down your nose at your partner, or scolding them is not going to bring them closer, no matter how right you are.
Instead of being right, try being curious about your partner’s perspective. If one or both of you decide to put being right aside --- stop trying to prove your case --- the conflict often loses fuel. Often the deeper issue is a sense of being dismissed or unheard. While we are litigating our relationship, we lose sight of each other, and this erodes warmth and intimacy. Try yielding to your partner. Try giving them some of what they are asking for. Acknowledge that you can understand, given what they have said, why they would feel that way. Most of us just want to be seen and heard. When we stop disproving each other, the door opens for understanding, warmth and repair.